Ever just not feel you belong in your own country with your own people? Where you just don't feel at home anymore.

---


I've always felt that people are weird and not like me. Like I'm a real person and almost everybody else is weirdos. Well, I feel less like that nowadays, but still somewhat. I think I feel less that way because of all the effort I put in the past to put myself into the heads of ordinary people so that I could better get along in this world. I kinda regret doing that now and infecting myseldf with their weirdness and stupidity.

Nowadays I mainly just feel that 99.9% of people are less intelligent than I and the majority of those people are significantly, dismayingly less intelligent. It's like I'm living on a planet of apes. Even that, though, I don't notice as acutely as I used to because I've gotten so used to it and because of my efforts to relate to people of lower intelligence. I kinda regret that too, I'd rather have my natural perspective on the matter.

Just like I used to see people as being so ridiculously full their own self-importance or dignity and keeping up appearances of not being small or weak (more so males than females, I think) that it looked like their egos were literally bigger than they were. I don't see that anymore, which disappoints me. I guess I'm more like them now. (Regarding self-importance, it's not that people aren't importand and shouldn't regard themselves that way, it's a specific kind of self-importance that would bother me, it's hard to explain.)

Regarding not feeling "at home" anymore, I've always felt like things should be better, more ideal, like I had a picture in my head of how things are supposed to be and reality never measured up, but I always thought, well, that's just because there are problems that need to be fixed. But now I realize the majority of the world's problems will never be fixed and this world will always be a sucky place for humans and it'll never be the ideal I imagined. So in a sense I miss home, the ideal world, the afterlife, "Summerland."

Regarding Summerland, here's an excerpt from a conversation earlier today to illustrate why I call it that and what I'm talking about.

<LordBrain> home is where the heart is they say
<LordBrain> i think maybe my home is in heaven
<inhahe_> i feel that way too
<inhahe_> i suspect it's that way for all of us
<inhahe_> heaven = the afterile
<inhahe_> afterlife
<inhahe_> life between lives
<inhahe_> i hear it's like this world, only ideal
<inhahe_> of course that's what people would likely say, but it could make sense. maybe it's a simulation of this world to make peolpe happy, or not so much a simulation but a facsimile of it in higher energies
<inhahe_> or maybe this world is actually a condensation of higher worlds
<inhahe_> one time i wrote a poem, when i was psychotic and highly connected, and i made up the term 'summerland', i had some idea it meant something significant somehow, even though i'd never heard it
<inhahe_> later i read in a channeling from the afterlife that they call that land summerland
<inhahe_> after that in another book from a differetn decade that was also a channeling from the afterlife they also said it's called summerland
<LordBrain> makes you think there's something to it
<LordBrain> there's lots of places on earth called summerland it turns out

The things I'd read about it that I mentioned were psychic channelings from people who had passed on into the afterlife.

Here's a couple of excerpts from songs that reflect how I feel, even if they don't really mean to:

"What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some'd say,
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive."
-Duran Duran - Ordinary World

"I wanna feel sunlight on my face.
I see the dust-cloud
Disappear without a trace.
I wanna take shelter
From the poison rain
Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name."
-U2 - Where the Streets Have No Name

Murphy, T.15 minutes
Thank you for that. I can relate to the irritation with ego and self importance. An ex of mine used to say to me that I had no ego. I've had to rebuild one over the years.I connect with the songs also. Also to the longing for another place where there is no pain. Summerland sounds like a good name for it. I've made efforts to fit into this world too. When it hurts too much though I withdraw again. As I have now. When I build something I need to survive in this world and it is taken away I don't see any option but to withdraw again. Nothing can replace what is lost. Sometimes it feels like what and who I've lost live on inside me. Because I can't let go you see. For I would disappear. Thank you for always writing what you do. It always touches me.
liked (1)share (0)commentreport
Comment

Post
Comments (1)
Richard A. Nichols III15s
My friend said to me once that we were talking once, debating about a certain subject, and I said to him, "it's hard to argue with someone who knows more about the subject than I do." or something like that. there was no reason not to point out such a thing in my mind, but he said he was impressed by the fact that i had so little ego, that i was so "pure."

btw, I was going to mention that it wasn't really as much like i'm the only real person and everybody else is weirdos as I made it out to be. i dunno, it was and it wasn't, somehow, or sometimes i felt like it was and sometimes i didn't? like there were plenty of girls that i was totally into and and teachers i liked, etc., and i wouldn't have felt that way if i thought they were all just weirdos. but at the same time, there was something common to people (all? most? many?) that i didn't relate to..

glad to know someone likes my responses!